I've been saving this one for a rainy day.
If you asked Angels management why they tendered a contract to Jeff Mathis (and some privileged Old Media type should really get on that), they would probably say they did it because Jeff Mathis is a good major-league ballplayer. That is certifiable nonsense. Since no public documentation exists to disprove any of the following statements, they are all technically more rational explanations than the above:
- Arte Moreno is using Jeff Mathis as a fence in an elaborate money-laundering operation.
- Tony Reagins has already received several lucrative offers to sell Mathis's player rights to Japan.
- The Angels gave up on finding and marketing the game's "best" player and decided to sell its "worst."
- Every time a nice baseball player gets non-tendered, a cute little puppy dies.
- The Bill Bergen Foundation made Arte "an offer he couldn't refuse."
- Jeff Mathis is going to bring the NFL back to Los Angeles.
- The last position player who hit this poorly is pitching pretty well in the Dominican Winter League.
- Yesterday was Thursday.
Was I the only person to notice that the
famous final line from Bridge on the River Kwai almost sounds like "Mathis"? Maybe I'm just projecting; the movie ends with a British military officer injuring his own cause out of blind pride.
Command "LOL"
Nice.
WiHaloFan - December 3, 2010
That actually made me LOL.
Halowood - December 3, 2010
I have a question
Is that a picture Scott Kazmir using Jeff Mathis as a summon and then Jeff Mathis using Magic like the summons in Final Fantasy X ?
or
Is Jeff Mathis in Scott Kazmir’s party and casting the magic on his teammate?
blochead - December 3, 2010
This would have gone well with my Zelda shirt at the 90's party I went to last Saturday
You may be on to something with #2 – we should trade Mathis and Willits to a Japanese team.
Commander_Nate - December 3, 2010
Wouldn't a zelda shirt be more appropriate at an 80s party?
and…. thank you for making me come to terms with my own mortality. a 90s party? WTF.
clover_black - December 3, 2010
No way dude
Played Zelda on NES, SNES and 64 all through the 90’s. And yeah, I realize that I’m starting to get old now that the main decade of my childhood is considered a party theme.
The 80’s theme has just been done too many times and finding costumes for a 90’s party usually just requires some digging through a few closets.
Commander_Nate - December 3, 2010
For instance
Zelda shirt, CA logo hat, seriously faded zipoff cargo pants.
Commander_Nate - December 3, 2010
I speny many a high school days playing Ocarina of time.
RexTookMyStash - December 3, 2010
spent
not speny vs. kenny
RexTookMyStash - December 3, 2010
Ocarina of time was pretty amazing..and yeah, that was the 90s.
I just tend to think of the original zeldas in the 80s— but if you play them in the 90s, I suppose a zelda shirt would be ok at a 90s party… maybe im over thinking this.
I mean, if i wore a talking heads shirt to a 90s party on account of me listening to talking heads in the 90s, i think im doing myself a disservice to all 90s parties.
btw. im getting paid to type this shit.
clover_black - December 3, 2010
Aren't we all?
Yeah, it’s kind of a generational thing, I guess. Like to me if you were born in the mid-late 80’s (like me), then you’re really a 90’s kid because you probably didn’t even participate in the 80’s.
NES came out in the late 80’s, right? I just remember not getting a Nintendo until the early 90’s. My favorite Zelda games were the SNES one and Ocarina of Time on 64 and I remember everyone I knew playing them and the NES ones. The 90’s seemed to be the decade when console games really took off because of Nintendo and Sega, etc and then Sony and Microsoft copied them.
Commander_Nate - December 3, 2010
Hey, screw that
I was born in ’86, and I DISTINCTLY remember sitting in front of the CBS Evening News, watching the reports on the Exxon Valdez with my parents…ergo, I am an 80s child…or something.
Caseys Kiss of Death - December 3, 2010
I'm shocked
rspencer - December 3, 2010
Oy, what happened there?
I was saying, I’m shocked that I have hardly even heard of any of these games, and I’m a child of the ‘60s/’70s. I pretty much locked onto Adventure and that text-based Star Trek game and stuck with them until my Kaypro died.
rspencer - December 3, 2010
Gee
Now I’m feeling old. What in the world is Zelda, besides a girl’s name that went out of fashion in the 1930s?
jjackflash - December 4, 2010
One of the greatest video game franchises of all time
Commander_Nate - December 5, 2010
Zelda? Zelda Gilroy?
One of The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis
wumbug - December 7, 2010
I don't think any normal person would ever admit to participating in the '80's.
RexTookMyStash - December 5, 2010
I love it when a plan comes together!
red floyd - December 5, 2010
Rec'd
hauldog - December 4, 2010
I've been both shocked and pissed off all day about this
it defies all logic and it feels as if I’ve been kicked in the groin by the Angels. What was that quote of Sosh’s last year? Oh yeah, “we have the ability to really drive the ball this year” Not with Mathis .170 batting average you don’t, in fact the whole team maybe “drove the ball” for 5 or 6 games last year. Please DFA him by the end of spring training.
steelgolf - December 3, 2010
Even if he didn't say "Mathis"
that train falling off the bridge is still a perfect metaphor for the Halos 2010 season
Quad Fin Rider - December 3, 2010
or a prophecy for 2011
yeswecan - December 3, 2010
There's always this excuse...
WiHaloFan - December 3, 2010
Okay, that's it
I’m gonna have to brush up my Photoshop. This is all way too much fun. Here I’ve spent all my time zapping dust and correcting color when I could have been creating reality as it should be.
rspencer - December 3, 2010
How do you add a picture? Excuse me for my lack of knowledge
Christoffer James V Ferreira - December 4, 2010
When you are making a post...
There is a tiny picture of a tree below the subject line. Click on that and you can insert a link to a picture. It needs to be hosted somewhere though, so like on a website or on your photobucket account, etc.
The chain next to the tree is for posting links to other sites.
Commander_Nate - December 4, 2010
to "love me tender" by elvis...
mathis was tendered
such an athlete
we should have let him go
he makes soth’s life complete
and he loves him so
mathis was tendered
this is true
soth’s dreams are fulfilled
naps will never hear i love you from soth
but mathis will
thejd - December 3, 2010
to "Don't Be Cruel":
Called up Tony Reagins
asked him, “what the F
could you have been thinking
when you tendered Jeff?”
Don’t be cruel
to a fan that’s true.
rspencer - December 3, 2010
The team (positional players only) batting average this year was 0.249, if the following individual players vanished from the team, the Halos would have a higher BA (sorry can’t figure out how to insert table):
name, number of plate appearances, hits, new team ba
Mark Trumbo 15 1 0.250
Robb Quinlan 33 4 0.250
Mike Napoli 453 108 0.250
Peter Bourjos 181 37 0.251
Jeff Mathis 205 40 0.251
Brandon Wood 226 33 0.253
Erasing Brandon Wood’s numbers keeps the team’s batting average at 0.249
Halos in DE - December 3, 2010
sorry i messed up my data earlier ignore the last line
Halos in DE - December 3, 2010
I think bourjous made up for his lack of offense with his defense.
Balls and Strikes - December 7, 2010
How about the plot to "Major League"?
Mathis would have fit in well with the showgirl owner’s “team concept.” Get a bunch of players who are bad enough to cause attendance to drop below the level necessary to allow the team to relocate to another city.
I wonder, if Jeff Mathis is the catcher on the “Major League” team, who are the other players? Jose Lopez at 3B and GMJ in CF, perhaps? Any suggestions?
The_Question - December 3, 2010
This deserves its own thread
This is a meta question, but can we just pick Angels and change the plot?
Dallas macpherson would play the sour flameout prospect who finds his power stroke down the stretch.
atomburn - December 3, 2010
That pic is AWESOME!!!!
Wally's World - December 3, 2010
That picture has been photoshopped
Mathis doesn’t catch Kazmir.
Although, I do hear that Jeff is very good at making adjustments.
Barca - December 7, 2010
Command: LOL
Best line of the year.
RexTookMyStash - December 3, 2010
yep
yeswecan - December 3, 2010
I think we kept Mathis
so that when the “due up” graphic comes up at the end of the half-inning when we trail going into the 9th, and 2/3rds of the time it doesn’t contain the name “Mathis,” we can say “oh thank God…Mathis is due up 5th.”
Caseys Kiss of Death - December 3, 2010
I like your positivity, CKOD
However, the day will come when we will need him to continue a rally. While our hearts will be hoping for the Mathis of the ’09 ALCS, we will most likely witness the Mathis of, well, every other time besides that series.
yeswecan - December 3, 2010
Hey now, let's be fair
that hot streak went all the way through AT LEAST 0.617% of the 2010 season, too.
Caseys Kiss of Death - December 3, 2010
I think you hit the nail on the head, YWC
(or put the shell in the “dadgum shotgun”)
Mathis is still reaping the benefits of his mythic mathis moments in the ’09 ALCS
Raaddad - December 4, 2010
Mathis's ABs also serve as a headstart on doing stuff during the commercial break.
If anyone else is up, I have to stay and watch, and then make a snack or whatever during the commercials.
If Mathis is up, I can safely assume he’ll make an out, so I can head into the kitchen early.
~MMP~ - December 3, 2010
Yeah, but that's only about 3 seconds extra anyway, since Mathis at-bats are usually over so quickly
Caseys Kiss of Death - December 4, 2010
The real reason is
Q. told Mathis what he knew.
ttsec - December 3, 2010
Mathis will share his secret with the next crappy player that comes along
creating a new trAdition
ryanfea - December 4, 2010
That picture is just so full of epicness and winning.
Chzburger Jones - December 3, 2010
Christoffer James V Ferreira - December 4, 2010
Apparently something went wrong.
Christoffer James V Ferreira - December 4, 2010
I help u
Downing Rules - December 5, 2010
Nice!
Suboptimal - December 5, 2010
Your’re the best
Christoffer James V Ferreira - December 6, 2010
If Mathis could only level up...
…he could get Confuse +1 and cast it on the ump who would then call all those Karmis nibbler pitches strikes.
Fred Fredrix - December 4, 2010
Can a reporter please just ask Mike or Reagins or Arte this question:
“What is your thought process behind offering a contract one of the worst offensive players in major league history, who is also greatly below average defensively in every feasible metric aside from CERA?” or, a simpler version:
“What the fuck, Mike?”
IE Angel - December 4, 2010
It means we are stuck with a shitty catcher for another year
hauldog - December 5, 2010
wonder-&*%$ing-ful.
Downing Rules - December 5, 2010
You must Login with your SB Nation account and be a member of Halos Heaven to post a comment.